It would be easy to sell that I am body positive with respect to my own body. I mean, this is an exercise and wellness site. But that would be disingenuous. In fact, I would be bald face lying. And I won’t do that to you. More importantly, I refuse to do that to myself anymore.
I have spent the large majority of my life dealing with body image struggles and issues. I grew up in the 80s and, well, let’s just say that we know a lot more about how to raise body positive kids nowadays. Kids are impressionable and there were very limited resources for parents as well. When I was about ten, my mom signed us up for a weight loss program run by a local hospital so we could be healthier. Good plan, right? Well, even though I went with my mom, they separated kids from their parents for the “group sessions.” So every week, for ten weeks, I sat in a room with a bunch of strangers going over my food logs, trying to remember how much I exercised, all in the name of support. While the one person whom I felt comfortable around was with another group. Not the best way to encourage a healthy relationship with your body. Or food. Or exercise.
And bullying. Two incidents stick out for me. I was in about second grade and I had a pair of striped shorts I was so excited to wear when the weather got warm at the end of the school year. I was called a “fat zebra” to my face. I’m pretty sure I never wore those shorts again. And of course, being the only girl on my block in middle school made me a super easy target. Day after day I would walk the three blocks home from the bus stop while the guys who lived up the street chanted, “Thunder Thighs!” at me. Can you picture it? Me with my circa mid-90s portable tape player, volume turned up, trying to pretend I couldn’t hear them? Hoping my dad wasn’t home yet so I could cry?
Thing was, I wasn’t fat. I was… overweight but athletic. (As I write I wonder if I should even label at all?) I played softball, soccer, basketball, volleyball. When the weather allowed, I was usually outside, and I loved to swim. All through school, I was never the girl who was chosen last in gym class. In fact, I was usually middle of the pack. And I wasn’t the kid who tried to get out of gym. I actually liked it (even when my extremely old fashioned middle school gym teacher made us jump rope for 2 straight months). I was never going to light the world on fire with any of my athletic skills, but I was reasonably well coordinated and could usually hold my own at most athletic endeavors.
Funnily enough, I think that my view of myself as a decently coordinated person who will try just about anything athletic is actually what saved me. It gave me the courage to manage the guys basketball team in high school and it certainly inspired my career choice. When you tell people you are majoring in Kinesiology and you aren’t going to be an Athletic Trainer, Physical Therapist or you aren’t a former athlete, there are some funny looks.
Because somewhere along the line, I decided to make the actual doing more important than what my body looked like. Most days the attitude of making the doing count for more is easy. But as I said in the beginning, I would be lying to you if I said I was a pro at this whole body positivity/body love thing. In truth, I think this is something the body positivity movement misses. Most of us aren’t there 100% of the time. It is somehow seen as bad to be a work in progress. And that is frustrating. Sometimes one trigger comment or event can push the shame button and positive self talk goes right out the window. The hope is that it doesn’t last, or worse, spiral out of control. But I have been there too. It sucks.
I don’t look like the 20-something fitness bloggers or the big name exercise gurus on TV. I don’t follow crazy diets just so I can take better pictures. I am good with that (and I hope you are too). I want to be strong and healthy and well so that I can enjoy the life I am living for as long as I am living it. For me that absolutely includes making exercise and healthful eating and meditation part of my routine.
It also includes learning to love my body, what it can do, and how it looks. On my terms. At my pace. Because what are we if we aren’t works in progress?
